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Lily Tomlin Click to tweet. See also: creativity quotesfamous quotesattitude quotes. Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Bill Murray. Billy Sunday. Never trust people who smile constantly. Laurell K. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Accept who you are. Ellen DeGeneres Click to tweet.

Not everyone has good taste. Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers. I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. Rodney Dangerfield. George Carlin. A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. George Bernard Shaw. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. My esteem in this country has gone up substantially.

It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. Jimmy Carter US president to Mark Twain. Golda Meir This is one of my favorite funny quote. One liners, funny quotes, thoughts and captions for your bio, social status, self-talk, motto, mantra, signs, posters, wallpapers, backgrounds, tattoos, SMS, Facebook, WhatsApp, Snapchat, Tumblr, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, etc. Joan Rivers Click to tweet.

More short quotes. Everything happens for a reason. I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. Danny Zuker. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers. You may also like: inspirational quotes motivational quotes happiness quotes love quotes life quotes. If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie.

Aparna Nancherla Twitter. In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city. Aparna Nancherla. I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass.

Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. James A. Garfield Click to tweet. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Abraham Lincoln. Steven Wright. Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

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A child educated only at school is an uneducated child. George Santayana. Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. Albert Einstein. Tom Bodett. Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. Abe Lemons. Gene Perret. No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book. Edgar Watson Howe Click to tweet. Bill Vaughan. The human brain is special.

Milton Berle. Dave Kellett. Haruki Murakami. I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.

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I intend to australian girl dating barbados guy forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright Click to tweet. Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. Spanish proverb Click to tweet. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield Click to tweet. Mitch Hedberg Click to tweet. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Click to tweet. I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.

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Goodreads helps you keep track of books you want to read. Want to Read saving…. Want to Read Currently Reading Read. Other editions. Enlarge cover. Error rating book. Refresh and try again. Open Preview See a Problem? Details if other :. Thanks for telling us about the problem. Return to Book Page. I like to imagine that the bus at the end of the movie takes Enid to Brooklyn, where a new chapter in her life begins. Off Craigslist, she gets a cheap sublet in my building, where I find her sitting on our stoop, grumbling about the normals. Having left Rebecca behind to her bourgie tarpit of Kmarts and Starbuckses, Enid has no friends, so I offer to take her to all my favorite indie bars and cool music venues. With her chic glasses and spunky attitude, dating Enid is the closest I could ever get to dating Daria in real life, not just in the realm of my acclaimed fan fiction. Juno may have found an ideal man in Paulie Bleeker, but I think I could give Paulie a run for his money.